The Answering Machine

Everyone who knows me well, knows how much I hate answering machines. I refuse to talk to a machine and I don't even check the messages on the voice mail my husband said we needed! But these are a few messages that I just had to pass on because they are too funny to be ignored!

*Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

*Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

*Thank you for calling ###-####. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

*You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

*We're not home, we're rarely home,
and when we're home, we're on the phone,
so please leave a message at the tone!

*Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

*Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so talk to it instead.

*You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me. So, with that said, here are the detailed instructions for leaving a message for me........

*Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

*Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

*(said very fast:)
Hi, this is ###-####. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and .....BEEP

*This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

*I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

*I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

*Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...

*Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

*Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

*Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

*You're growing tired.
Your eyelids are getting heavy.
You feel very sleepy now.
You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.
When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

*I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

*I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

*I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

*I'm writing the definitive work on pain.
I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel.
Remember, be honest.
This is for posterity.

*(in a Darth Vader voice:)
Speak, worm!

*Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dreaded, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

*A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

*You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy confusing the people of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order.

*Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's tabloid.

*This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

*(For Shakespeare lovers)
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

*This is ###-####, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

*These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

*Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I should die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

*This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline.
After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....