How To Clean Your Toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

The Doll And The Rose

I was walking around in a Target store,
when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back.

The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old.

The Cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny,
are you sure I don't have enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to
buy this doll, my dear.''

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went
to look around. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give
this doll to.

"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for
Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after
all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her
where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can
give it to my sister when she goes there."

His eyes were so sad while saying this.

"My Sister has gone to be
with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I
thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He
then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she
won't
forget me."

"I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we
check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''

"OK" he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to
his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for
the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"

Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to
sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that
mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!''

"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my
mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough
to buy the doll and a white rose.''

"My mommy loves white roses."

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my
basket.

I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when
I
started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which
mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young
woman and a little girl.

The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a
critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the
life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to
recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the
newspaper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went
to the funeral home
where the body of the young woman was exposed for
people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her
hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over
her
chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed
forever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister
is still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a
drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Family Dinner

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers. Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Before I Was A Mom

Before I was a Mom

I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.

I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.

I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on.

Pooped on.

Chewed on.

Wet on.

I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.

I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom

I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.

Or give shots.

I never looked into teary eyes and cried.

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.

I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.

I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't Stop
the hurt.

I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.

I never knew that I could love someone so much.

I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom -

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.

I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.

I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.

I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important
and happy.

Before I was a Mom -

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to
make sure all was okay.

I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the
wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Calling In Sick

Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical! We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate myexcuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I hadsustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the nextday. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage onthe top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given into my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patterand steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you asecond." So out I
came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outragednudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was
fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.....and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Truth About Nurses

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!


You know you're a nurse if ......

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark alley.

Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.

You know the smell of different diarrheas and can identify them.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.

You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table sick.

You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you even knew before you started nursing.

Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you.

You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult."

You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your coworker and to holler if they need help.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.

You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.

You have seen more penises than any prostitute.

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Kelly or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Kelly came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Kelly, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."