If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose (sorry, you can only pick one!).
Now don't cheat on this one, go with the first dessert you choose!!! Trust me....this is very accurate. Pick your dessert,
and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you.
Here are your choices:
1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue Pie
4. Vanilla Cake With Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate on Chocolate
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake
No!!!!! you can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully what your choice will be..............
OK - Now that you've made your choice this is what the research says about you...
SCROLL DOWN---
1 ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being ch ildlike and immature at times.
2. BROWNIES - - You are adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
3. LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.
4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE -- Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. Can be very emotional.
6. CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE -- Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
Coolest Thing On The Net Right Now
I know this is being shown all over the net and in many many emails..I think I have recieved half a dozen about it myself..but..I felt it was worth one more showing. I can see it spinning both ways..wonder what that says about me? Does it mean I am in balance within myself I wonder?
This silhouette wins the award for coolest thing we've seen all day . This is a little test that will tell you whether the left or right hemisphere of your brain is more dominant.
Concentrate on the woman's movement. If you see her spinning clockwise, that means you're using the right side, or more creative side of your brain. If she appears to be moving counter-clockwise, then that means the left side, or more logical side of your think muscle is superior.
This silhouette wins the award for coolest thing we've seen all day . This is a little test that will tell you whether the left or right hemisphere of your brain is more dominant.
Concentrate on the woman's movement. If you see her spinning clockwise, that means you're using the right side, or more creative side of your brain. If she appears to be moving counter-clockwise, then that means the left side, or more logical side of your think muscle is superior.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words
A picture began circulating in November. It should be "The Picture of the Year," or perhaps, "Picture of the Decade." It won't be. In fact,unless you obtained a copy of the US paper which published it, you probably
would never have seen it.
The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner.
The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta . She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable
surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville , he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.
During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr.Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed
hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger. Dr.Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile.
The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, "Hand of Hope." The text explaining the picture begins, "The tiny hand of 21-week- old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life."
Little Samuel's mother said they "wept for days" when they saw the picture. She said, "The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person."Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful.
Now see the actual picture, and it is awesome...incredible....
would never have seen it.
The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner.
The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta . She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable
surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville , he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.
During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr.Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed
hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger. Dr.Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile.
The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, "Hand of Hope." The text explaining the picture begins, "The tiny hand of 21-week- old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life."
Little Samuel's mother said they "wept for days" when they saw the picture. She said, "The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person."Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful.
Now see the actual picture, and it is awesome...incredible....
The Graveyard
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetary. Scared and drunk, they decided to go there anyways. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone and one says to the other:
"We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other responded: "Your lucky,mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, 'We will never forget you'."
The morning after the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone and one says to the other:
"We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other responded: "Your lucky,mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, 'We will never forget you'."
Boy Oh Boy
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Bobbit Family Update
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with......
?
?
?
?
?
A Misdewiener!
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with......
?
?
?
?
?
A Misdewiener!
Friday, November 9, 2007
Teachers And Police Do Have Their Moments !
New York City Report Cards - These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
Great Recipe Idea
Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!
You should try this!
Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.
1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details)
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces...
You should try this!
Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.
1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details)
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces...
Things You Should Know But Probably Don't
1. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped into a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8.The 'spot' on 7-UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9.On average,12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother & sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart & nervous system: a few ounces will kill a small-sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16.Upper & lower case letters are named that because. in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multitasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book, "Peter Pan"; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
22. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors.. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michale Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25.If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know).
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most-known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29, Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. OJ Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around. Osama Bin Laden, too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail."
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped into a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8.The 'spot' on 7-UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9.On average,12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother & sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart & nervous system: a few ounces will kill a small-sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16.Upper & lower case letters are named that because. in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multitasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book, "Peter Pan"; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
22. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors.. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michale Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25.If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know).
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most-known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29, Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. OJ Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around. Osama Bin Laden, too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail."
A Really Bad Joke!
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut the tail off of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL*MART!
Why WAL*MART???
v
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WAL*MART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL*MART!
Why WAL*MART???
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
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WAL*MART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!'
So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, 'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex.
'The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the shopkeeper, 'How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?
'The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.
'So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican began screaming, 'You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet!'...
So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, 'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex.
'The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the shopkeeper, 'How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?
'The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.
'So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican began screaming, 'You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet!'...
The History of Manure
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could(and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with
the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to
stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport)which
has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.!
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could(and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with
the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to
stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport)which
has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.!
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
True E.R. Stories
FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww.....
PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan , a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside
her after a recent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANY ONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened, (no sh*t Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy - we live sheltered lives!)
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.(Oh my gosh!!!)
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. (Classy or what?). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!!! I'm still laughing!!!!
PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan , a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside
her after a recent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANY ONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened, (no sh*t Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy - we live sheltered lives!)
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.(Oh my gosh!!!)
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. (Classy or what?). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!!! I'm still laughing!!!!
How To Start Each Day With A Positive Outlook
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
What does a HillBilly look like? Scroll down!
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
What does a HillBilly look like? Scroll down!
Florida State Trooper
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new
Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off
down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had
left."Amazing, " he thought as he flew down I-75,
pushing down the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state
trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought,"What am I doing? I'm too old
for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's
arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the
Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've
never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused, then said, "Years ago, my
wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought
you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Take care and God Bless
Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off
down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had
left."Amazing, " he thought as he flew down I-75,
pushing down the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state
trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought,"What am I doing? I'm too old
for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's
arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the
Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've
never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused, then said, "Years ago, my
wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought
you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Take care and God Bless
Try Not To Cry
She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy ? Is he going to be all right ? When can I see him ?"
The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't mak e it."
Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn't God care any more ? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?"
The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university."
Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair ?" the nurse asked.
Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.
The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."
Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.
The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.
She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.
It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter The letter said:
"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say "I Love You". I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. Yo
u'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom!? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I neede d him ?' "God said He was in the same
place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that ?
Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.
The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't mak e it."
Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn't God care any more ? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?"
The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university."
Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair ?" the nurse asked.
Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.
The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."
Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.
The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.
She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.
It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter The letter said:
"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say "I Love You". I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. Yo
u'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom!? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I neede d him ?' "God said He was in the same
place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that ?
Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and
ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal
person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and
ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal
person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Don't Say Another Word!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."
Hospital Humor
Actual writings on hospital charts:
1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and a norexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and a norexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
George Carlin's New Rules
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
Mom I Went To A Party
I went to a party,
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
so I had a sprite instead.
I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
that I didn't drink and drive,
though some friends said I should.
I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right.
The party finally ended,
and the kids drove out of sight.
I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece.
I never knew what was coming, Mom,
something I expected least.
Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
the kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.
My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
this girl is going to die.
I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high.
Because he chose to drink and drive,
now I would have to die.
So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
like a hundred stabbing knives.
Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven,
put " Mommy's Girl" on my grave.
Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter,
Mom I'm getting really scared
These are my final moments,
and I'm so unprepared.
I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, "I love you, Mom!"
So I love you! and goo d-bye.
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
so I had a sprite instead.
I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
that I didn't drink and drive,
though some friends said I should.
I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right.
The party finally ended,
and the kids drove out of sight.
I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece.
I never knew what was coming, Mom,
something I expected least.
Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
the kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.
My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
this girl is going to die.
I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high.
Because he chose to drink and drive,
now I would have to die.
So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
like a hundred stabbing knives.
Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven,
put " Mommy's Girl" on my grave.
Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter,
Mom I'm getting really scared
These are my final moments,
and I'm so unprepared.
I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, "I love you, Mom!"
So I love you! and goo d-bye.
Mexican Oysters
This is sort of risque, but, soooooo funny!!
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant, following a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than
the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant, following a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than
the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins
Monday, October 15, 2007
How To Clean Your Toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
The Doll And The Rose
I was walking around in a Target store,
when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back.
The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old.
The Cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."
Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny,
are you sure I don't have enough money?''
The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to
buy this doll, my dear.''
Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went
to look around. She left quickly.
The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.
Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give
this doll to.
"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for
Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."
I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after
all, and not to worry.
But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her
where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can
give it to my sister when she goes there."
His eyes were so sad while saying this.
"My Sister has gone to be
with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I
thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''
My heart nearly stopped.
The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."
Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He
then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she
won't
forget me."
"I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."
Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we
check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''
"OK" he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to
his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for
the doll and even some spare money.
The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"
Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to
sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that
mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!''
"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my
mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough
to buy the doll and a white rose.''
"My mommy loves white roses."
A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my
basket.
I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when
I
started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.
Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which
mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young
woman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a
critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the
life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to
recover from the coma.
Was this the family of the little boy?
Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the
newspaper that the young woman had passed away.
I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went
to the funeral home
where the body of the young woman was exposed for
people to see and make last wishes before her burial.
She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her
hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over
her
chest.
I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed
forever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister
is still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a
drunk driver had taken all this away from him.
when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back.
The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old.
The Cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."
Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny,
are you sure I don't have enough money?''
The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to
buy this doll, my dear.''
Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went
to look around. She left quickly.
The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.
Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give
this doll to.
"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for
Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."
I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after
all, and not to worry.
But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her
where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can
give it to my sister when she goes there."
His eyes were so sad while saying this.
"My Sister has gone to be
with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I
thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''
My heart nearly stopped.
The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."
Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He
then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she
won't
forget me."
"I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."
Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we
check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''
"OK" he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to
his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for
the doll and even some spare money.
The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"
Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to
sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that
mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!''
"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my
mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough
to buy the doll and a white rose.''
"My mommy loves white roses."
A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my
basket.
I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when
I
started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.
Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which
mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young
woman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a
critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the
life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to
recover from the coma.
Was this the family of the little boy?
Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the
newspaper that the young woman had passed away.
I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went
to the funeral home
where the body of the young woman was exposed for
people to see and make last wishes before her burial.
She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her
hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over
her
chest.
I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed
forever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister
is still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a
drunk driver had taken all this away from him.
Family Dinner
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers. Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers. Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Before I Was A Mom
Before I was a Mom
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Wet on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't Stop
the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important
and happy.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to
make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the
wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Wet on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't Stop
the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important
and happy.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to
make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the
wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.
The Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
Calling In Sick
Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical! We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate myexcuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I hadsustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the nextday. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage onthe top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given into my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patterand steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you asecond." So out I
came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outragednudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was
fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.....and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate myexcuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I hadsustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the nextday. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage onthe top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given into my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patterand steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you asecond." So out I
came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outragednudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was
fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.....and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Truth About Nurses
Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!
You know you're a nurse if ......
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark alley.
Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.
You know the smell of different diarrheas and can identify them.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.
You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table sick.
You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you even knew before you started nursing.
Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you.
You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult."
You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your coworker and to holler if they need help.
Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.
You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines.
You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.
You have seen more penises than any prostitute.
You know you're a nurse if ......
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark alley.
Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.
You know the smell of different diarrheas and can identify them.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.
You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table sick.
You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you even knew before you started nursing.
Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you.
You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult."
You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your coworker and to holler if they need help.
Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.
You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines.
You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.
You have seen more penises than any prostitute.
Why Sentence Structure Is So Important
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Kelly or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Kelly came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Kelly, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Kelly came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Kelly, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Something Worth Thinking About
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind.
She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her.
She told her boyfriend, " I f I could only see the world, I will marry you."
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.
Her boyfriend left her in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'
This is how the human brain often works when our status changes
Only a very few remember what life was likebefore, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.
Life Is a Gift
She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her.
She told her boyfriend, " I f I could only see the world, I will marry you."
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.
Her boyfriend left her in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'
This is how the human brain often works when our status changes
Only a very few remember what life was likebefore, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.
Life Is a Gift
Priceless!
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.... PRICELESS
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.... PRICELESS
Monday, September 24, 2007
I Wrote Your Name
I wrote your name on a piece of paper, but by accident I threw it away.
I wrote your name on my hand, but it washed away.
I wrote your name in the sand, but the waves whispered it away.
I wrote your name in my heart, and forever it will stay.
I believe in angels,
The kind that heaven sends.
I'm surrounded by angels,
But I call them my friends.
I'm Sorry Baby!
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the
pick- up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick-up, fortunately, came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the
pick- up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick-up, fortunately, came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
Why We Love Kids
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady
isn't wearing a seat belt!"
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of
the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she
asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
in the women's locker room. When he was spotted,
the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter,
haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little
girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward
me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my
K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he
asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not,
darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache
the next morning. "
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly
made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to
say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he goooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in
the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
underwear."
I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady
isn't wearing a seat belt!"
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of
the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she
asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
in the women's locker room. When he was spotted,
the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter,
haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little
girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward
me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my
K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he
asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not,
darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache
the next morning. "
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly
made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to
say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he goooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in
the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
underwear."
Saturday, September 22, 2007
$50 is $50
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Women's English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... So manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... So manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
Even God Has Trouble!
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve
And the first thing he said was
"DON'T! "
"Don't what? "
Adam replied
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! "
"No Way ! "
"Yes way !
"Do NOT eat th e fruit! "
said God.
"Why ?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
God asked.
"Uh huh,"
Adam replied
"Then why did you? "
said the Father.
"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it!"
Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
had children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give
children wisdom
and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5 The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids
They will choose your
nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU ! HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve
And the first thing he said was
"DON'T! "
"Don't what? "
Adam replied
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! "
"No Way ! "
"Yes way !
"Do NOT eat th e fruit! "
said God.
"Why ?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
God asked.
"Uh huh,"
Adam replied
"Then why did you? "
said the Father.
"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it!"
Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
had children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give
children wisdom
and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5 The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids
They will choose your
nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU ! HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
Jim And Edna
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another, means that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another, means that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself!
This English teacher has phrased it the best I've seen yet
CHEAP TOMATOES? This should make everyone think, be you Democrat, Republican or Independent
From a California school teacher - - -
"As you listen to the news about the student protests over illegal immigration, there are some things that you should be aware of:
I am in charge of the English-as-a-second-language department at a large southern California high school which is designated a Title 1 school, meaning that its students average lower socioeconomic and income levels.
Most of the schools you are hearing about, South Gate High, Bell Gardens, Huntington Park, etc., where these students are protesting, are also Title 1 schools.
Title 1 schools are on the free breakfast and free lunch program. When I say free breakfast, I'm not talking a glass of milk and roll -- but a full breakfast and cereal bar with fruits and juices that would make a Marriott proud. The waste of this food is monumental, with trays and trays of it being dumped in the trash uneaten. (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK)
I estimate, that well over 50% of these student's are obese or at least moderately overweight. About 75% or more DO have cell phones. The school also provides day care centers for the unwed teenage pregnant girls (some as young as 13) so they can attend class without the inconvenience of having to arrange for babysitters or having family watch their kids. (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK)
I was ordered to spend $700,000 on my department or risk losing funding for the upcoming year even though there was little need for anything; my budget was already substantial.. I ended up buying new computers for the computer learning center, half of which, one month later, have been carved with graffiti by the appreciative students who obviously feel humbled and grateful to have a free education in America.(OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK)
I have had to intervene several times for young and substitute teachers whose classes consist of many illegal immigrant students here in the country less then 3 months who raised so much hell with the female teachers, calling them "Putas" whores and throwing things that the teachers were in tears.
Free medical, free education, free food, day care etc., etc, etc. Is it any wonder they feel entitled to not only be in this country but to demand rights, privileges and entitlements?
To those who want to point out how much these illegal immigrants contribute to our society because they LIKE their gardener and housekeeper and they like to pay less for tomatoes: spend some time in the real world of illegal immigration and see the
TRUE costs.
Higher insurance, medical facilities closing, higher medical costs, more crime, lower standards of education in our schools, overcrowding, new diseases etc., etc, etc. For me, I'll pay more for tomatoes.
We need to wake up. The guest worker program will be a disaster because we won't have the guts to enforce it. Does anyone in their right mind really think they will voluntarily leave and return?
There are many hardworking Hispanic/American citizens that contribute to our country and many that I consider my true friends. We should encourage and accept those Hispanics who have done it the right and legal way.
It does, however, have everything to do with culture: A third-world culture that does not value education, that accepts children getting pregnant and dropping out of school by 15 and that refuses to assimilate, and an American culture that has become
so weak and worried about "politically correctness" that we don't have the will to do anything about it.
CHEAP LABOR? Isn't that what the whole immigration issue is about?
Business doesn't want to pay a decent wage.
Consumers don't want expensive produce.
Government will tell you Americans don't want the jobs.
But the bottom line is cheap labor. The phrase "cheap labor" is a myth, a farce, and a lie. There is no such thing as "cheap labor."
Take, for example, an illegal alien with a wife and five children. He takes a job for $5.00 or $6.00/hour. At that wage, with six dependents, he pays no income tax, yet at the end of the year, if he files an Income Tax Return, he gets an "earned income credit" of up to $3,200 free.
He qualifies for Section 8 housing and subsidized rent.
He qualifies for food stamps.
He qualifies for free (no deductible, no co-pay) health care.
His children get free breakfasts and lunches at school.
He requires bilingual teachers and books.
He qualifies for relief from high energy bills.
If they are or become, aged, blind or disabled, they qualify for SSI. Once qualified for SSI they can qualify for Medicare. All of this is at (our) taxpayer's expense
He doesn't worry about car insurance, life insurance, or homeowners insurance.
Taxpayers provide Spanish language signs, bulletins and printed material.
He and his family receive the equivalent of $20.00 to $30.00/hour in benefits.
Working Americans are lucky to have $5.00 or $6.00/hour left after paying their bills and his.
The American taxpayers also pay for increased crime, graffiti and trash clean-up.
Cheap labor? YEAH RIGHT! Wake up people. THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS WE SHOULD BE ADDRESSING TO THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES FOR EITHER PARTY. 'AND WHEN THEY LIE TO US AND DON'T DO AS THEY SAY, WE SHOULD REPLACE THEM AT ONCE!'
CHEAP TOMATOES? This should make everyone think, be you Democrat, Republican or Independent
From a California school teacher - - -
"As you listen to the news about the student protests over illegal immigration, there are some things that you should be aware of:
I am in charge of the English-as-a-second-language department at a large southern California high school which is designated a Title 1 school, meaning that its students average lower socioeconomic and income levels.
Most of the schools you are hearing about, South Gate High, Bell Gardens, Huntington Park, etc., where these students are protesting, are also Title 1 schools.
Title 1 schools are on the free breakfast and free lunch program. When I say free breakfast, I'm not talking a glass of milk and roll -- but a full breakfast and cereal bar with fruits and juices that would make a Marriott proud. The waste of this food is monumental, with trays and trays of it being dumped in the trash uneaten. (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK)
I estimate, that well over 50% of these student's are obese or at least moderately overweight. About 75% or more DO have cell phones. The school also provides day care centers for the unwed teenage pregnant girls (some as young as 13) so they can attend class without the inconvenience of having to arrange for babysitters or having family watch their kids. (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK)
I was ordered to spend $700,000 on my department or risk losing funding for the upcoming year even though there was little need for anything; my budget was already substantial.. I ended up buying new computers for the computer learning center, half of which, one month later, have been carved with graffiti by the appreciative students who obviously feel humbled and grateful to have a free education in America.(OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK)
I have had to intervene several times for young and substitute teachers whose classes consist of many illegal immigrant students here in the country less then 3 months who raised so much hell with the female teachers, calling them "Putas" whores and throwing things that the teachers were in tears.
Free medical, free education, free food, day care etc., etc, etc. Is it any wonder they feel entitled to not only be in this country but to demand rights, privileges and entitlements?
To those who want to point out how much these illegal immigrants contribute to our society because they LIKE their gardener and housekeeper and they like to pay less for tomatoes: spend some time in the real world of illegal immigration and see the
TRUE costs.
Higher insurance, medical facilities closing, higher medical costs, more crime, lower standards of education in our schools, overcrowding, new diseases etc., etc, etc. For me, I'll pay more for tomatoes.
We need to wake up. The guest worker program will be a disaster because we won't have the guts to enforce it. Does anyone in their right mind really think they will voluntarily leave and return?
There are many hardworking Hispanic/American citizens that contribute to our country and many that I consider my true friends. We should encourage and accept those Hispanics who have done it the right and legal way.
It does, however, have everything to do with culture: A third-world culture that does not value education, that accepts children getting pregnant and dropping out of school by 15 and that refuses to assimilate, and an American culture that has become
so weak and worried about "politically correctness" that we don't have the will to do anything about it.
CHEAP LABOR? Isn't that what the whole immigration issue is about?
Business doesn't want to pay a decent wage.
Consumers don't want expensive produce.
Government will tell you Americans don't want the jobs.
But the bottom line is cheap labor. The phrase "cheap labor" is a myth, a farce, and a lie. There is no such thing as "cheap labor."
Take, for example, an illegal alien with a wife and five children. He takes a job for $5.00 or $6.00/hour. At that wage, with six dependents, he pays no income tax, yet at the end of the year, if he files an Income Tax Return, he gets an "earned income credit" of up to $3,200 free.
He qualifies for Section 8 housing and subsidized rent.
He qualifies for food stamps.
He qualifies for free (no deductible, no co-pay) health care.
His children get free breakfasts and lunches at school.
He requires bilingual teachers and books.
He qualifies for relief from high energy bills.
If they are or become, aged, blind or disabled, they qualify for SSI. Once qualified for SSI they can qualify for Medicare. All of this is at (our) taxpayer's expense
He doesn't worry about car insurance, life insurance, or homeowners insurance.
Taxpayers provide Spanish language signs, bulletins and printed material.
He and his family receive the equivalent of $20.00 to $30.00/hour in benefits.
Working Americans are lucky to have $5.00 or $6.00/hour left after paying their bills and his.
The American taxpayers also pay for increased crime, graffiti and trash clean-up.
Cheap labor? YEAH RIGHT! Wake up people. THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS WE SHOULD BE ADDRESSING TO THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES FOR EITHER PARTY. 'AND WHEN THEY LIE TO US AND DON'T DO AS THEY SAY, WE SHOULD REPLACE THEM AT ONCE!'
Men Are Like.....
1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like .... . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .... . Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like .... . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .... . Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
A Preschool Test For You
Which way is the bus below traveling?
To the left or to the right?
Can't make up your mind?
Look carefully at the picture again.
Still don't know?
Pre-schoolers all over the United States were shown this picture asked the same question.
90% of the pre-schooler's gave this answer.
"The bus is traveling to the left."
When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling to the left?"
They answered:
"Because you can't see the door to get on the bus."
How do you feel now ???
I know, me too.
To the left or to the right?
Can't make up your mind?
Look carefully at the picture again.
Still don't know?
Pre-schoolers all over the United States were shown this picture asked the same question.
90% of the pre-schooler's gave this answer.
"The bus is traveling to the left."
When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling to the left?"
They answered:
"Because you can't see the door to get on the bus."
How do you feel now ???
I know, me too.
Gambling Blonde
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Carolina arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She said "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that said, she stripped to the waist...rolled the dice..and yelled "Come on baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know..I thought you were watching."
Moral: Not all southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men....are men!
She said "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that said, she stripped to the waist...rolled the dice..and yelled "Come on baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know..I thought you were watching."
Moral: Not all southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men....are men!
710
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If your not sure what a 710 is CLICK HERE.
Worlds Worst First Date!
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when
you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or
not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely
no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken
her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah ..
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly
had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradual ly began to
realize th at she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point
where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road,
or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly
crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about
was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent
that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a
real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his
pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter,
she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants
down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment.."This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show
you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or
not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely
no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken
her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah ..
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly
had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradual ly began to
realize th at she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point
where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road,
or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly
crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about
was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent
that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a
real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his
pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter,
she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants
down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment.."This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show
Thursday, September 20, 2007
The Psychiatrist And The Proctologist
Two doctors opened and office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentive."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
No way.
"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came
up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it!!!!!
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentive."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
No way.
"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came
up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it!!!!!
Old Age Is Creeping
I just have this sneaking suspicion that old age is creeping up on me. I hear footsteps but when I turn around, no one is there. I feel breath on the back of my neck, but again, no one. It is really starting to freak me out to be honest with y'all. I am too young for that sort of thing. I am only 30 but I have managed to screw up my back this week to the point where I have been in bed for 2 days. I am not handling this well. I know that back problems run in my family but I was hoping I was immune to that sort of thing. Sounds like a pipe dream I know but still, if there is one thing I was hoping to avoid that is genetic, it would be the back pains. When my husband has to take care of everything after working all day, I find that to be repugnant. There is no reason he should have to cook dinner and tend to the kids while I lay in bed with my back makes me into a big cry baby. Of all the things that are genetic in my family; from diabetes to arthritis, cancer to depression; I loathe this one the most. The others can either be treated or managed in some way while this just leaves me feeling helpless and worthless all at the same time.
True Friendship
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
The sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
Again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.
But never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
The sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
Again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
New Cowboy Boots
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds"
in Arizona. Ray had always wanted a pair of
authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he bought them and wore them home, walking
proudly. He walked into the house and said to his
wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looked him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray stormed off into the bathroom,
undressed, and walked back into the room completely
naked except for the cowboy boots. He asked a
little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT
NOW?"
Bessie looked up and said, "Ray, what's so
different? It's hanging down today; it was hanging
down yesterday; and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS
HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE
IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replied, "Shoulda bought a hat,
Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
in Arizona. Ray had always wanted a pair of
authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he bought them and wore them home, walking
proudly. He walked into the house and said to his
wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looked him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray stormed off into the bathroom,
undressed, and walked back into the room completely
naked except for the cowboy boots. He asked a
little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT
NOW?"
Bessie looked up and said, "Ray, what's so
different? It's hanging down today; it was hanging
down yesterday; and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS
HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE
IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replied, "Shoulda bought a hat,
Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
Lawn Mower Sale
A preacher was making his rounds to his
parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a
little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do
you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and
buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a
moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will
you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it
out first, and after riding the bike around a little
while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to
try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times
with no response from the mower. The preacher called
the little boy over and said, "I can't get this
mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because
you have to cuss at it to get it started.
The preacher said, "I am a minister,
and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have
been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and
said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come
back to ya!"
parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a
little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do
you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and
buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a
moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will
you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it
out first, and after riding the bike around a little
while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to
try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times
with no response from the mower. The preacher called
the little boy over and said, "I can't get this
mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because
you have to cuss at it to get it started.
The preacher said, "I am a minister,
and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have
been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and
said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come
back to ya!"
First Day Of School
Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a
social studies school teacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock ,
did something not to be forgotten.
On the first day of school, with the permission of the school
superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, she removed
all of the desks out of her classroom.
When the first period kids entered the room they discovered that there
were no desks. Looking around, confused, they asked, "Ms. Cothren, where're
our desks?"
She replied, "You can't have a desk until you tell me what you have done
to earn the right to sit at a desk."
They thought, "Well, maybe it's our grades."
"No," she said.
"Maybe it's our behavior?
She told them, "No, it's not even your behavior".
And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third
period. Still no desks in the classroom.
By early afternoon television news crews had started gathering in Ms.
Cothren's classroom to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all
the desks out of her room.
The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found seats
on the floor of the deskless classroom, Martha Cothren said, "Throughout the
day no one has been able to tell me just what he/she has done to earn the
right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom.
Now I am going to tell you."
At this point, Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and
opened it.
Twenty-seven (27) U.S.Veterans, all in uniforms, walked into that
classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began placing the
school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside
the wall.
By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those kids
started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just
how the right to sit at those desks had been earned.
Martha said, "You didn't earn the right to sit at these desks. These
heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. Now, it's up to you
to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students,
to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom
to get an education. Don't ever forget it."
This is a true story....
If you can read this, Thank a teacher.
If you read it in English. Thank a soldier.
Digging
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they
hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling
could be heard deep into the night.The old man would shout,When i die,
I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you
for the rest of your life!"
Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because
of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His
wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party
as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbours, concerned for her safety,
asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up
and out of the grave and come back
to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried
upside down"......
Now that's my kind of woman!
hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling
could be heard deep into the night.The old man would shout,When i die,
I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you
for the rest of your life!"
Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because
of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His
wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party
as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbours, concerned for her safety,
asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up
and out of the grave and come back
to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried
upside down"......
Now that's my kind of woman!
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