Life Is A Highway

I love that song "Life is a Highway". I have found that it is fairly true too. I seem to be traveling down this winding road and wondering where it is going to take me. There seem to be a lot of curves so that I can't see the end but I have a feeling it is going to get smoother for at least a bit here soon.

I have found a job that I really enjoy. I even turned down a potentially better paying job just so that I could keep this one. I just couldn't see myself trying to hock insurance to people who can't afford it but also can't afford to be without it. I think I will just stick to selling gas at the local truck stop. I meet a ton of interesting people here and really love my hours. Working graveyards seems to really agree with me. I never was a day person anyways. I really enjoy working there but find amusement in how scatterbrained some of the truckers I meet really are. I have had truckers asking me what town they are in, what time it is, and my personal favorite: "how much do I owe ya"? "What pump were you on sir?" "I'm not sure...that one out there" LOL!! Like that tells me anything people!! I was surprised to find out how many foriegners there are driving these days. It seems like half the boys who come in to the store can't speak english. It makes me wonder why some of the locals I meet can't get the gumption up to get a job...but I am not going there tonight.



The others I meet at work that late at night are the locals coming in for some snacks after Papa Mike's closes. That is the local bar. I have several regulars that know my name and I their's and we are friendly. I also have one who is slightly insane. Last time he was in he asked if I would dance naked on the pizza I was making him. He calls me "Red Rooster Girl" and can never remember meeting me from one weekend to the next. Lets just say that this man is NOT my favorite regular.



I am still not so sure about this dating scene though. My divorce is final but I can't seem to enjoy having men hit on me and I am terrified of actually telling one of the men who keep asking me out yes. I worry that if I were to say yes I would just been looked at as a means to get laid. I have no interest in that at the moment and never have so I think that it is futile.



I am sort of seeing this one guy though. He is really sweet but he is younger than I by 8 years and I worry about what my family will think of him. He is not really normal according to the family standards. He is still young enough he finds amusement in belching and farting. He wears multiple earrings, and changes his hair color often. I am sure that if we can work out our differences we will be friends for a very long time, but my family comes first. Granted, they approved of my first (and only) husband, but their opinion is still of utmost importance to me.



I am finally back in a place I can call my own now though. I was really chafing under being told what to do by my sister in law while staying with her and my brother. I love that they were so supportive of me until the end but I couldn't get used to being bossed like a child. I have been too on my own for too long to have put up with it for too much longer. I couldn't very well say no though since they were letting me stay with them and all. It is just nice to finally be able to breathe again.

I am also making some good friends here in my new home. There are several of the gals round here that I am hanging out with and there is part of me that is really enjoying learning how to just be me. We have fun and either stay in or go out and cause trouble in our own little way. One of our favorite things to do is go to Wal-Mart and scope out "hotties" and then go into the next aisle and talk about them..just loud enough for them to hear us. Ok, so that may sound lame to some of you but when your young...you can find all sorts of things to make you laugh and feel good.



Well, I need to get back to cleaning carpets. The last tenets of this place left it trashed (literally)and it is apparent that they didn't really know how to properly clean a place either. I have been painting and scrubbing for over two weeks now in between shifts at work and hopefully I will be done soon. The last tenets were so mad at being evicted that they smeared poop on the walls and left a dog in this house to die. I am just glad that she survived. They even called a mutual friend of ours and bragged about all the damage that they did. Other peoples kids!! I tell you what..I am not sure what they were thinking but I am not sure they were doing much of it at the time. I am just hoping that I calmed the landlady down enough that she isn't going to press charges. They would have both ended up in jail and that wouldn't have solved anything in the long run.

Busy Busy Busy

I have had a crazy year so far to say the least. Things went so bad so fast that I had no time to prepare for it but they are starting to level out for sure. My husband and I are definitely split up for the good of all concerned, even my kids are happier, or they would be if they were allowed to live with their mother as they wish but the divorce is not going to end up that way unfortunately. I am going to try to get them back into my care as soon as I can but that is going to take time.

Did you know that jobs are nearly impossible to find when you have this VERY large gap in your resume? I have been a stay at home mom (or domestic goddess as I prefer to be called) for 8 yrs now and having to battle that when looking for work is nearly impossible these days. Most places won’t even look at an application or resume much less consider a person for work unless they are already working. My biggest question is how this is fair to someone like me who is starting over in life and could really use a paycheck to help rebuild that life?!?

Let’s move on to another subject since the job one seems to upset me right now. Let’s try men. Did you know that there are more men on the planet than the one I was married to? I didn’t know that for many years and now, well now I just don’t care. I took off my wedding ring and seemingly there was a memo sent out on the man network saying FRESH MEAT or something but I just can’t help but think NO WAY to that. There are days I fear that since my heart is so damaged there will never be any true way to repair it.



GRRRR ok, that seems to be another bad topic. I have also been dealing with having to start over completely when it comes to stuff for my house. I allowed my husband to keep everything since he managed to keep my kids and they would need it. I am having to rebuild everything from forks and spoons to towels and sheets. The only thing I kept from the house was my library (since he doesn’t read anyway) and my personal computer since he has his own.



I don’t really understand everything about divorce but it seems that after all this time, and with millions of people divorcing every year, then it should be easier somehow. I just feel so lost and alone most days that I am not sure whether I am coming or going. I am glad to be in a better place than I was in my marriage, but I have been part of a whole for so long I fear not being able to be a whole by myself. I have so many fears about being alone and not being able to cut it that I also fear the fear if that makes any sense. Ok, enough rambling from me for the day, a quick picture of my brother and myself at one of his wrestling shows for your viewing pleasure, and then I am going to retire from the online life for the day.

Welcome 2008

In the first Spiderman movie Spidie’s uncle Ben says “with great power comes great responsibility”. Those words have been running round and round my mind these last few weeks. Except with me they take sound like this: “with great responsibility you must have great power”. I know this doesn’t make any sense to anyone but it hopefully soon will.

I have these four amazing kids. They are my joy and my responsibility. They are also my greatest weakness. They have held me in a position, afraid to move, for years. I didn’t want to hurt them. Lately though, they are the ones in danger as well as myself, so now I must take action. I am going to find my power and get them out of what I have done to them.

Main Entry:
free·dom
Pronunciation:
\ˈfrē-dəm\
Function:
noun
Date:
before 12th century
1: the quality or state of being free: as a: the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b: liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another : INDEPENDENCE c: the quality or state of being exempt or released usually from something onerous d: EASE FACILITY e: the quality of being frank, open, or outspoken f: improper familiarity g: boldness of conception or execution h: unrestricted use 2 a: a political right b: FRANCHISE PRIVILEGE
synonyms FREEDOM LIBERTY LICENSE mean the power or condition of acting without compulsion. FREEDOM has a broad range of application from total absence of restraint to merely a sense of not being unduly hampered or frustrated . LIBERTY suggests release from former restraint or compulsion . LICENSE implies freedom specially granted or conceded and may connote an abuse of freedom .

With the new year comes many changes. This blog with the new year will take new shape, new meaning. I will use it to document my battle for my heart and soul, for my children and myself. I will use it to chronicle the changes I undergo and the steps I take to be free. There is nothing that will stop me from becoming who I was destined to be, a free woman of sound mind and body. The poisoning of the past years will be healed from and I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes to begin again with my children at my side.