10 Similarities Between Men and E-mail

Why E-Mail is like a Male Reproductive Organ:

1. Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.

2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

3. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

5. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

6. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most people today use it for fun most of the time.

7. If you don't take the appropriate precautions, it can spread viruses.

8. If you use it too much, it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

9. Many people attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble!

Have A Fun Day
Have Fun Playing With Your Email Today

The Fourth of July

Here we are coming up on one of the biggest holidays in America and I have not even got the heart to care. I used to be one of those gung-ho, do or die Americans who painted her nails red, white, and blue every year. I hung a flag out and decorated my house. This year, however, I am having a hard time getting into the whole thing. It seems that for all those years I was more into it than any other person I knew, and the fact that most of them don't even vote..well lets not get me started on that!

Most people these days only have fireworks and barbeque's, watermelon and family on their minds when it comes to the fourth. They seem to have forgotten that it is our anniversary. We declared ourselves a free and independant nation on this day! We have men and women fighting for us, for our lives. Risking their own in battle for something we never give two seconds thought to. I feel that this is sad and wish I could do more than bitch about it on here. I speak my mind, I say how I feel. I was given that right. When is everyone else going to realize that it is a privelege that was earned for us?

Come on people! Show some respect! Not only for your boss, your fellow man but for your whole damned nation!!

The Answering Machine

Everyone who knows me well, knows how much I hate answering machines. I refuse to talk to a machine and I don't even check the messages on the voice mail my husband said we needed! But these are a few messages that I just had to pass on because they are too funny to be ignored!

*Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

*Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

*Thank you for calling ###-####. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

*You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

*We're not home, we're rarely home,
and when we're home, we're on the phone,
so please leave a message at the tone!

*Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

*Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so talk to it instead.

*You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me. So, with that said, here are the detailed instructions for leaving a message for me........

*Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

*Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

*(said very fast:)
Hi, this is ###-####. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and .....BEEP

*This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

*I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

*I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

*Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...

*Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

*Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

*Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

*You're growing tired.
Your eyelids are getting heavy.
You feel very sleepy now.
You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.
When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

*I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

*I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

*I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

*I'm writing the definitive work on pain.
I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel.
Remember, be honest.
This is for posterity.

*(in a Darth Vader voice:)
Speak, worm!

*Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dreaded, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

*A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

*You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy confusing the people of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order.

*Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's tabloid.

*This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

*(For Shakespeare lovers)
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

*This is ###-####, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

*These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

*Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I should die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

*This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline.
After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....

Listen

Listen
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But can’t complete
Listen
To the sound from deep within
It’s only beginning
To find release
Oh the time has come
For my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
All cause you won’t listen
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I’m not at home in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say what’s on my mind
You should have known
Oh now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what you’ve made of me
I’ve found the voice you gave to me
But now I’ve got to find my own
You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I’m free now and
My dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed aside or turned
Into your own
All cause you won’t listen
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I’m not at home in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say what’s on my mind
You should have known
Oh now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what you made of me
I found the voice you gave to me
But know I got to find my own
I don’t know where I belong
But I’ll be moving on
If you don’t
If you won’t
Listen
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But I will come clean
Oh now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what you made of me
I’ve found the voice you think you gave to me
But now I’ve got to find my own
My own
~Beyonce~

A Beautiful Poem

One of Those Days

You know it has just been one of those days where it feels like the whole world is out of alignment. I have found that nothing has gone right today. I had to go to town this morning to do some paperwork that could not be put off any longer (trust me I tried) and while I was in the office it started to rain. Being one of the unfortunates with out air conditioning in my van, I had left the window down. Naturally the passenger seat was fine but I had a wet cheek all through the grocery store. Then I get to my neighbors house (she was kind enough to watch the kids) to fix her computer and I couldn't do it. Her 13 year old daughter had screwed it up to the point where it needs a complete wipe and restart. I feel for that woman. I get home in time to fix the kids their lunch and even manage to shove a few bites down my throat before my youngest (who is done with his own) comes to claim the rest. I tell ya..that is when I decided to give up and just sit down and screw around on here the rest of the day. It is now 4 o'clock in the afternoon, I have managed to rework the entire layout for this site and post a bunch. I feel that maybe I should have started the day with this afternoon. I think it would have been more productive for sure. Maybe tomorrow I will be in such a foul mood that I will be able to rework the entire world wide web or change a democrats mind. Who knows?

Ten Compliments That WOW A Man

There is an article out now that tells how to wow your man with just a few words. The full article can be found here but I am just going to list the compliments. Let me know if you find this to be as ridiculous as I do.

1)Your arms are definately looking bigger.
2)ha ha ha ha ha
3)Wow!
4)You the man!
5)The kids just adore you.
6)What do you think?
7)Cute feet.
8)Meow
9)Impressive!
10)I want you.

These things sure seem insane to me. All I have ever had to say is "I love you honey" and I got my man melting in my hand. There is nothing on that list that he would even believe! And another thing, what is the point of giving a compliment if you don't mean it. If you meant it you would be able to come up with your own words.

Can Stupidity Increase?

A thief who was being chased asked for a time-out because he was out of breath. When reading a story like this I must ask myself why. As in, why are these people so obviously brain damaged that they think they can actually get away with a crime when they can't even think their way out of a paper bag?

R.I.P. Chris Benoit

Chris Benoit, his wife, and son were all found murdered in there home Monday. WWE will miss such a talented wrestler and so will fans like me. The police are looking into it as a homicide but details will not be known for days. I don't really know what to say about this..the saddness is overwhelming.

Why Oh Why??

There is only so much that one woman can take. I am running on empty and now this. My kids have decided to actually help out around the house. They are picking up after themselves as well as loading the dishwasher and the washer and dryer now. I honestly don't think that my fragile mental health can handle this, I really don't. I was prepared for another summer of cleaning up after them, and instead they have finally decided to listen to me when I ask for help. I am starting to wonder when the other shoe will drop. There is nothing in their history that says that this will last...but while it is I think I will just enjoy it and give them a ton of praise for being so awesome.

Children Are Funny!

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had
twenty-five students in her class. She presented each
child in her classroom the first half of a well known
proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder
of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first
graders.
Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in
mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds,
because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses...........................
until they stop running.
2. Strike while the.................................
bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...................
Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ...termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but . .. how ?
6. Don't bite the hand that .................... looks
dirty.
7. No news is........................................
impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ..... .............. Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ......... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ......stink in
the morning.
11. Love all, trust ............................. me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ............ pigs.
13. An idle mind is............................... the
best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ........... pollution.
15. Happy the bride who........................ gets
all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ............................ not
much.
17. Two's company, three's ................ the
Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .... you put on
to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry
and..... you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ............ Stevie
Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not .....spanked or
grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .......... get new
batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ... see in
the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ......... get out of
the way.

And the WINNER and last one:

25. Better late than .................................
pregnant.

Need Washing?

I recieved this story from my aunt~and knew I had to share it with all of you!

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.
"What?" Mom asked.

"Lets run through the rain!" She repeated.

"No, honey We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain,"

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one ! ! came or left in the next few minutes.
Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

Salad Theft on the Rise

A man in PA had his house broken into and all that was taken was a chilled salad. The man's apartment door was kicked in, a knife was stuck through his door, and yet all that was taken was the salad. Can this world get any more stupid?

Bad Fortune

A "fortune teller" convicted of fraud? NO WAY! Mrs. Grace managed to con tens of thousands of dollars out of her clients by offering to remove destructive curses. Sounds to me like this woman was the only curse to her clients. On another point, if she was a fortune teller shouldn't she have known that she was going to go to jail?

The Way Things Are

There is no way I can describe how hectic things have been lately. Lets begin with baseball. I have 2 boys playing this wonderful, all-american sport. Do you know what that gets me? Sunburns and an empty gas tank, all my money being spent on concession stand items and a sore throat for yelling at the umpire. Those boys are paid good money to make good calls and yet they can't seem to manage it. Now my boys are doing well. The older is in the play-offs and has already won his first game. We are ranked 3rd due to a couple of forfeit games (that were totally bogus, by the way) and the top ranked team is one that we would have beaten if it weren't for having to declare a forfeit. I know we would have beat them because we still played them, we just played them for fun. I kept score hehehe. My younger boy is just in T-ball and is doing well at learning the rules of the game. Rules like don't pick up the ball after you hit it and which base to run to when you hit the ball. T-ball, I have found, it the greatest sport on the planet. All the fun of Comedy Central but with preschool age children. The parents at these games however, can be way to competitive. For crying out loud, every child gets to hit the ball and run around the bases; yet you have parents in the stands screaming at there kids to "get that ball" "run faster" etc.... It is a complete waste of breathe if you ask me. THIS IS A GAME PEOPLE AND THESE KIDS CAN'T EVEN TIE THEIR OWN SHOES YET!! I believe that this is why kids go crazy with guns. Parents who put too much pressure on them to be the best. There is one mother (who is a friend so I shall leave her name out of this) who has told her son that he must run after and get every ball. He even knocked a little girl over and stole the ball out of her hand the other day! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!
Ok..enough on that subject because I am getting mad again. On to another subject. Lets try college. Everyone knows that I am taking classes online so that I can stay home with the kids. That was a really bad decision! These beautiful children that I gave birth to..well they are so loud that I have to wait until the middle of the night (when they finally go to sleep) to study. The kids get up at the butt crack of dawn, so my total sleeping hours have dropped from 6 hours to approximately 2. That's right. You are now looking at a sleep-deprived insane woman. I have upgraded that much! As for my classes, they are suffering as well. I am still making A's but I feel that I need to be putting more work into them and I just can't seem to care about it. All I can think of is a nap. The other students in my class are all idiots. They can't spell, use of improper english is running rampant, and there is going to come a time very soon where I explode and just tell them all what I think of their abilities to compose a sentence that makes sense. Anyone who knows me at all, knows that my biggest peeve is proper spelling and grammer. There is not a single person in my class, other than myself, who can string two sentences together and do it right. Ok so this is another bad topic for me today...lets move on!
My husband, wonderful man that he is, is due to have another operation on the 10th of July. Keep in mind that in the past year he has had his gall bladder and his appendix removed. This time it is a hernia. I tease him that he is falling apart and I should really trade him in for a younger model. The truth is however, that his surgeon should have removed his appendix while she was grabbing his gall bladder. To top it off, she knew about the hernia when she was in there removing his appendix. Why this woman cannot seem to do it all at once is a mystery to me. I have decided that she is so money hungry that she would risk the health of her patients just to milk another surgery out of them, fully believing that the patient will come right back to her. Well, let me tell you, my husband won't be. I have made that clear to him. If he has any other problems, I have informed him that he will be finding someone else to tend to them. She is a fake and a complete "witch" and her bedside manner leaves ALOT to be desired. There is nothing good about this doctor and her greed outweighs her desire for healthy patients. that is aweful.
Ok. I believe I have let you in on all my latest news, complete with rant. I will, therefore, let you go about your life and may it bring you all the joy you desire and all the desire that you can handle.

Would someone please tell my why stupid children think they are smart? A teenager in Berlin decides to stage a robbery..for his grade card. The youngster was not exactly passing and instead of doing the work he has a couple of his buddies pull this stunt for him. Don't believe me? Read here for full details of stupidity.

Vacation

Ok so I got to tell y'all that I am on vacation from school so therefore I am on vacation. Be back next week.